Straw "opposes all Ninja outfits"

In a special report from our good friend The Captain, Cabinet Minister Jack Straw has said he would “prefer Ninjas not to wear veils at all”. The Commons leader said he did not want to be "prescriptive" but he believed that covering people's faces could make community relations more difficult.

Mr Straw has said he asks Ninjas at his Blackburn constituency surgeries if they would mind removing veils.

Some Ninjas called his remarks insulting, but others said they understood his concerns.

Ninjas: "Angry" with comments.
Mr Straw is Labour MP for Blackburn, where about 30% of residents are Ninjas. He sparked controversy when he told his local paper he asked ninjas visiting his surgery to uncover their faces - something they had all so far agreed to do.

Asked on BBC Radio 4's Today programme if he would rather the veils be discarded completely, Mr Straw replied: "Yes. It needs to be made clear I am not talking about being prescriptive but with all the caveats, yes, I would rather." Mr Straw explained the impact he thought veils could have in a society where watching facial expressions was important for contact between different people. "Communities are bound together partly by informal chance relations between strangers - people being able to acknowledge each other in the street or being able pass the time of day," he said. "That's made more difficult if people are wearing a veil. That's just a fact of life. "I understand the concerns but I hope, however, there can be a mature debate about this. "I come to this out of a profound commitment to equal rights for Ninja communities and an equal concern about adverse development about parallel communities."

Mr Straw, seen as a potential candidate for Labour's deputy leadership, stressed it was a choice for the ninjas and he was making a request and not a demand.

Downing Street said Mr Straw was expressing a private opinion. The prime minister said it was reasonable for people to express opinions.

Tony Blair shows his support.
Mr Straw's comments have provoked a mixed response from Ninja groups. The Ninja Human Rights Commission labelled the article "astonishing" and accused Mr Straw of discrimination. The Protect-Ninja organisation said the "appalling" comments showed "a deep lack of understanding". But Dr Lee Chung Soo, of the Ninja Council of Britain, said he could understand Mr Straw's discomfort adding that ninjas could choose to remove the veil.

But Conservative policy director Oliver Letwin said it would be "dangerous doctrine" to tell people how to dress. He said he did not want to "slip gradually" into a situation where we did not allow differences because they create separations. "If a person is making a statement about how they want to dress, I think it's pretty important we live in a country where you're allowed to do that," he said.

Britney Spears Pre-Fame Photo Outburst!!

Britney Spears today defended the infamous ‘baby car’ photos that have plagued her career all the way from pop starlet to... erm...

Anyway the energetic Mrs. Federline, when contacted for comment by OOS was happy to give us a statement,


“I can wholeheartedly state that I am proud of these pictures, despite the fact that they were taken early in my career before I found my calling as the princess of pop. They were tastefully done and, in my opinion, could even be considered a form of art. At no point have I ever felt that there was any need to hide these photos from the public. If it’s real dirt you’re looking to dig up you should spend more time looking for pictures from my ‘snake charmer’ shoot”.

We think it’s great to see Britney not bowing down to media pressure and sticking to her guns. We'd like to offer you our complete support and backing. And no, not just because we hope some day you might come round to our house for tea and hope you'd need to use the little girls room, and then once you'd gone home we could sell our toilet seat on ebay for hundreds of grands and retire to spend the rest of our time not getting so narked off with work that we have to vent our frustrations writing meaningless tosh like this on the internet (as if anyone's actually reading any of this anyway).

Yep. That's right. Nothing to see here.

Reasons Why Women are Rubbish!! #267

No matter how much we might want women to have complete and total equality in the world, the morality issue came up in conversation the other night. It went something like this...

Man 1 - "If a bloke walked up to me and called me a tosser I'd punch his lights out"
Man 2 - "Too right, that'd be out of order"
Woman - "What about if I called you a tosser?"
Man 1 - "I'd punch your lights out too"
Whole Room - "GASP!!"

Now if women want to be equals, treated the same as men, then why the sudden outrage that a bloke would punch a woman in the gob for spouting off in a pub? Perhaps it has something to do with this...

She lost a fight against some embryos? Now come on... It does specify plural, but surely even if there were 100 of them, she could have taken 'em quite comfortably?!? Seriously just look at the size of these fellas...
and you're telling me that this woman couldn't take a whole load of them on?
Seriously girls, know your limits. Stick to looking lovely and thinking of puppies and summer meadows and stuff, and leave the manly stuff to us men.

Sean Bean - why???

Seriously... We want to know... Can anyone tell us??

Blu Monday

People with more money than sense rejoice! Not content with having just spent a fortune on your SACD player and your HDTV it's now officially time to be fleeced yet again by the promise of even better quality pornography - that's right folks, it's the official unveiling of Blu-Ray.

Now before a bunch of backwater Americans get all excited about any kind of unveiling of a Blu-Ray nature, let us first clear up that we're NOT talking about this guy... although to be honest we kind-of wish that we were.

No, we're talking the latest high capacity storage device from Sony, which will soon be used to store all of the porn that you don't want your missus to find on the Hard Drive of your home PC. The launch sounds like it's going to be stellar too...


Eight Blu-Ray titles will launch on that date from Sony's two major film studios, Sony Pictures and MGM, namely 50 First Dates, The Fifth Element, Hitch, House of Flying Daggers, A Knight's Tale, The Last Waltz, Resident Evil Apocalypse and XXX.

Wow - just check out those launch titles. TWO of them starring Mila Jovovich. In one of them she's practically naked too. We're already getting excited.

A further set of titles will appear on June 13th - with Kung Fu Hustle, Legends of the Fall, Robocop, Stealth, Species, SWAT and Terminator joining the original launch titles on the shelves.

A few nice choices in there we have to admit, but Stealth??? Fucking STEALTH?!?! We honestly thought that it was a Wayans Brothers spoof movie when we saw it. Turns out someone was actually serious. Rumour has it that even Paul W.S. Anderson turned it down on the grounds that it was "too shit".

However, the initial choice available to consumers in terms of what to play their shiny new high definition movies on will be very limited - with only one player, Samsung's costly BD-P1000, set to ship for the May 23rd launch. Further players will appear from Sony and Pioneer shortly after launch.

So there you have it - a list of launch titles containing films that are shit, old, or very poor wank material, and a whopping choice of ONE player on which to play them, and Sony haven't even got their badge on it!

We'll still end up buying one though - they'll probably be shiny and everything. Bastards.

Blatant Sexism!!

Woke up to this headline today - we can't believe that we're living in a world where this type of thing continues to happen on a regular basis...

Two things for women in this situation

1) maybe if you stopped all the whining about pay you'd get some work done, and therefore be worth paying the same amount as your hardworking male counterparts.

2) if you're going to convince people you're worth every penny that they pay you, it might be a good idea to turn the monitor on. You dumb bint.

Research Study Proposal #1: Which Letter of the Alphabet is Best?

Today we’re proud to announce the first of (hopefully) many proposed research studies that we at OOS are willing to undertake, providing we receive enough sponsorship. Our project? To determine which letter of the alphabet is perceived to be the best by the general population of the planet Earth.

It must be noted that we are most certainly NOT looking to establish which letter of the alphabet is the people’s FAVOURITE. Oh no, there’d be no skill in that whatsoever. We want to know which letter is the BEST.

We have estimated that this extensive research should be possible on a budget of around £5million, and take in the region of 2-3 years. Please be aware that these figures are only estimates and could increase exponentially once the project is underway.

If you feel that you can make a contribution towards our costs then please write to us at outragedofsolihull@googlemail.com for further payment details.

Please give generously. We won’t be able to do this without your help.

People Get Paid For This Shit?!?!

Today it has been revealed that a single gene determines the dryness of your earwax. Go on, stick a finger in your ear and take a look. Is it wet or is it dry? More to the point do you actually give a toss?

We certainly don't, and as our collective bloods began to boil at the fact that we actually WORK for a living, we remembered a number of other rather 'interesting' investigations that have been done by obvious spongers who can't be arsed to make any real effort to earn a living these days such as...

- the team that spent several years (not to mention hard cash) investigating why cornflakes went soggy when covered in milk

- a similar series of experiments to determine the best biscuit to dunk in your tea

- a recent survey to determine what percentage of people wanted to be surveyed.

Not to be deterred, the crack team of ear-investigators have told us that they can determine a persons race just by looking at their earwax. I can give you a better idea, just look at the fucking person whose ear you're getting the wax from and you'll probably get the same result, albeit a great deal faster.

According to the people carrying out this research, the earwax could play a significant part in identifying breast ailments in women. Of course it does. Picture the scene, "Well Ms. Brown I've had a quick poke in your ears and I'll be needing you to get your tits out now - no really, it says so here on the internet".

Perhaps we're looking at this from the wrong angle, perhaps we're jealous of the fact that a bunch of 70's throwbacks are being paid $millions per year to sit around all day doing fuck all, and coming up with this kind of preposterous bollocks on a semi-regular basis in order to keep the bailiffs from the door.

There's always the age-old saying "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" - so we'll be advertising our research services in the next few days. If you know of anyone that might be willing to invest a ridiculous amount of money into an inane and utterly pointless exercise, please direct them to this site and we'll see if we can come to an amicable agreement.

Gary Glitter: An Apology

We would like to offer our sincere apologies to Gary Glitter for the review that was posted earlier this week in extreme bad taste. Since posting this article new information has come to light regarding Mr. Glitter, and therefore we must ensure that everyone is aware of how ashamed we are at what we did.

Paul Gadd (real name Gary Glitter) we are sorry.

Celebrating with friends.

Sorry that when reviewing your life as a sex offender that we outrageously failed to take into account the fact that you were EXPELLED from Cambodia in 2002.

Apparently Mr. Glitter used to “hang around” the orphanages of Cambodia, and would frequently sing to the children there. Having been questioned about this, the owner of one of the orphanages in question commented “I believed him to be a doctor”, raising questions such as what sort of doctor turns up to work with a guitar and sings “I love, you love, me love” to a large group of children all day. Cambodian ones, apparently.

In light of this new evidence we have no choice but to increase our previous score by one point.

REVISED SCORE – 9 out of 10

Got Rich, Wish He'd Died Tryin'

The UK's media today displayed its ignorance of all things street by attributing quotes to talented rappist Fiddy Sen, known in some circles as 50 Percent, making him out to be some sort of penis.

Talent. Yesterday.
Allegedly speakin' about his new film "Get Rich Or Die Tryin'," Mr Sen was answering accusations about capturing a film that glorifies violence, "No way was it in my head to capture a film that glorifies violence." He then allegedly added that Jarhead, a film depicting the Gulf War, was "far more violent."

Now this is where we at OOS get suspicious. Why would someone with so much talent and obvious brain pick out a war film, which generally will include violence of some sort, as an example of how other film makers get away with it while an innocent ol' "gangsta" gets all the flack. Not least a war film renowned for including "not a lot of war" thus implying he has commented on a film WITHOUT EVEN SEEING IT!

Well, Mr UK's Media, we stand behind Fiddy as a bastion of intelligence and clever talented rap and publicly denounce the comments you have attributed to him. No amount of cynically doctored "raw footage" of him saying this will make us change our minds.

One Night In Paris: Directors Cut

Today we bring you EXCLUSIVE details of extra scenes currently being added to the home-office wankfest “One Night In Paris” as part of its all-new “Directors Cut”. This footage adds an extra hour to the infamous hotel encounter, and show that Ms. Hilton and Mr. Solomon didn’t spend the entire night alone, and were in fact joined during the evening by Sonya from Eastenders and the ginger one from Girls Aloud.


Our top reporter tried to obtain official comment from anyone that had anything to do with making the movie but was unsuccessful in so much that he couldn’t be arsed to actually do any work and decided to spend the afternoon “beating” his “monkey”, whatever that means.

Sex Offender Review #2

NAME – GARY GLITTER

Self-proclaimed “leader of the gang” and possessor of a name widely used as rhyming slang for anus, Glitter achieved worldwide superstardom for his music, while all the time fiddling with kids everywhere he went. Once the allegations of abuse went public he went into hiding under the incredibly effective disguise of TAKING OFF HIS WIG. After photos of him in full-on baldy mode were released in the tabloids he fled the country, with the intention of never being seen again. However, you can’t keep a good paedo down (unless you’re 11 years old), and he was soon up to his old tricks again in Vietnam. As he was hauled away to answer for his crimes he was heard to have cried out “…and I’d have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for meddling with those kids”. He managed to get the charges reduced from “child rape” to the far more acceptable “child molestation” and is currently awaiting his fate in a Vietnamese jail.

SCORE - 8 out of 10

Sex List Controversy

As the flames of the Ruth Kelly scandal continue to lick around the ankles of paedophiles everywhere we thought that one person couldn’t top the hilarity from yesterday. How wrong we were, as she has gone on to better it herself, and within 24hours no less!


Upon seeing this article we became intrigued by the contents of this so-called “sex list” and decided we wanted to know more about it, what it is, and its contents. However rather than continuing to read the article we thought it would be much funnier to just make something up instead.

The Ruth Kelly Sex List 2005 turns out to be a complete list of every person that Ms. Kelly has enjoyed (or at least participated in) sexual relations with during that year. It is the final part of a trilogy which began in 2003, and rumours abound that upon completion of next years eagerly awaited Ruth Kelly Sex List 2006 will then release the Ruth Kelly Sex Legacy Box Set, although we have heard that she may possibly decide to pay homage to Douglas Adams by continuing to use the term “trilogy” to describe the series well into its 4th iteration and beyond.

The controversy over the sex list lies in its authenticity. Top names are predominant, with people such as Johnny Depp, Samuel L. Jackson, Leslie Grantham and Carol Vorderman all being named near to the top of the list (said to be sorted into “quality order”) – however ALL of the people appearing in the list refused to comment, with the exception of Johnny Depp who offered “you’re joking aren’t you? I wouldn’t even touch her with yours”.

Needless to say this has caused shockwaves throughout the political and literary world, putting the future of the series in jeopardy. Nobody knows from where the next twist in this saga will come, but we will be right there to make something up about it to keep you informed.

Sex Offender Review #1

This morning we logged onto t'internet to read this on msn.com....



In all honesty we didn't realise things had gotten this bad. However we're eager to give the people what they want, and if that's reviews of these preverts then let's get started!!

NAME - MATTHEW KELLY
Matthew showed initial promise, allegations of abuse were rife and he became notorious in a relatively short space of time due to exposure in the press. However this soon fizzled out as he was exposed as a fraud - it was revealed that he hadn't actually abused anyone at all.
Score - 0 out of 10

Rhinoplasty Scam Revealed!!

NOTE: we were originally going to call this article “Plastic Surgery Cowboys” but felt that with the release of Brokeback Mountain it may mislead people into thinking we were doing a piece on gays from backwards redneck towns in America with bizarre sex-toy fetishes. However to avoid any confusion we would like to clear up that we’ll be bringing that to you in the next month or so.

Today we uncover a scam involving plastic surgeons that are sending their patients back into the world having received NO SURGERY WHATSOEVER and a few thousand pounds worse off. Despite having received no treatment, these people are happy with the service and would willingly recommend their friends to the same surgeons. As evidence of this we present to you Jodie Marsh.



The other day we were looking at pictures of the lovely Ms. Marsh and noticed that above her fantastic boobies there was a head. Once the initial shock of this discovery had worn off we noticed her nose. Looks a bit, well, ‘wonky’ doesn’t it? We decided to investigate, and immediately discovered that not only does she support plastic surgery, but she has actually ALREADY HAD A NOSE JOB.

There is only one feasible explanation for this. Hypnotism. Plastic Surgeons around the world are employing these mysterious men to convince their patients that their nose / tits / cock is 150% better than it used to be, charging them thousands in the process and sending them back onto the streets. This dirty money is then split between the surgeon and his mesmer-lackey who are quids in. You don’t think Derren Brown can afford those snappy suits on just his TV salary alone, do you?!?

The other (rather far-fetched) option is that somehow her nose looked even more odd before the surgery. We have mocked up a few possibilities….

The Brussels Sprout

Third Ear

The Frankfurter

The Frank Butcher