Who the FUCK made Pete Doherty famous?!

Fame. It's a strange beast. In modern times it seems that just about anyone can become a celebrity, although to make sure that "proper" ones are kept seperate from the wannabes we apparently are supposed to put them into "lists" to define just how good a celebrity is at, well, being a celebrity.

Sorting out all the celebrities in the world isn't an easy task, and wasn't taken lightly by whoever it was that was responsible for categorising all the famous people in the world. Oh no. Another part of the task must have been to filter out those people who are quite obviously famous, but the term "celebrity" just wasn't right. People such as the Queen and George W. Bush, and even historical figures like Isaac Newton had their celebrity status revoked to ensure the accuracy of the lists, from A to Z.

Inevitably though there are always going to be inaccuracies. You're always going to get fish slipping through the net. With this in mind, we present to you Pete Doherty.



Come on... Just look at him. We've been racking our brains for the last two months trying to work out exactly WHY this guy is considered a celebrity. Not a week goes by where there isn't a "PETE DOHERTY IN << insert random arsehole incident here >> SHOCKER!!" story in a newspaper, or being reported on the radio and television. But no matter what, we are still at a complete and utter loss as to exactly why we're supposed to give a shit.

Andy Warhol's "everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes" quote has never rang so true. Unfortunately for us, in Doherty's case that 15 minutes seems to have dragged on for way too long.

Games For Girls #1

It's about time that a videogames publisher decided to bring out a game that will geniunely appeal to female gamers on a mass-market level...



Let's hope an eye-toy compatible version is just around the corner. With online play.

End the Exploitation of Women NOW!!!

Looking around various TV channels at 3am (as we often do) we stumbled across a new kind of degrading activity that women all around the world are being forced to endure on a frighteningly regular basis. We were horrified to learn that women are being forced to perform in public for the entertainment of men (and other women) in something known as "Womens Athletics" - a depraved and sickening spectacle where the fairer sex perform such activities as "running" and "throwing", two things that we all know women are RUBBISH at.

Stadia around the world are frequently packed with the kind of sick bastards that enjoy this sort of thing, clapping and cheering the women on as they make utter fools of themselves for the whole world to see.

Don't get us wrong, we love ladies, women, heck even most of the ugly ones too, and whereas we would much rather see them doing activities that they are much more suited to, such as "cleaning", "cooking" or "lapdancing", if women must insist on flexing their competitive muscles every now and again then perhaps this is the sort of thing that might suit them a bit better...

Jack Thompson Says...

"Bloody Hell!!!"

Microsoft Masterstroke

Every couple of years the games industry enters a transitional phase when one generation of console is coming to the end of its life, while the next generation begins to emerge to the uncomfortable excitement of 30-somethings in glasses everywhere. Approaching such a transitional phase at the time of writing this we noticed something that Microsoft are doing different with the Xbox360 – they’re CHANGING THE DESIGN OF THE AV CONNECTOR!! We’re sure that we don’t need to tell you what genius this is. I mean, first off just look at the old one, it’s RUBBISH. The new design is so much nicer, and kind of looks like the background of the logo for a new, exciting sci-fi series that may even be good enough to be screened on the Hallmark channel. Starring Gil Gerard. Probably.
Secondly, Sony used the same old scummy leads to connect the PSOne and PS2, as did Nintendo with the Super Nintendo, N64 and Gamecube. This led to people having stinky old leads from years ago plugged into their TV set, whereas Microsoft have openly embraced the idea that people WANT to play the “where’s-my-scart-socket” game once again, and that they WANT to pay extra money for the privilege.
Microsoft should take pride in the fact that they are following in the footsteps of the great Sega, who pulled all kinds of shenanigans with their AV connectors over the years, and just look at the thriving slice of the hardware pie currently enjoyed at the office of the blue hedgehog. Microsoft, we salute you.

Race Hate Explosion

Following up our story from the end of last week, prosecutions in the area of race hate have increased by 29% from last year, showing a distinct upturn in the numbers of people willing to risk it all to declare their disdain for the sort of events that have been the mainstay of athletics tournaments around the globe for many years.

Bertie Jiggs, a spokesman for PACRAP (Paedophiles Against Competitive Running And Politics) said “All we want is the freedom to express our disgust at the people that indulge in this sickness. Oh yes, it all starts off very innocently with your 100M sprints, but then they go and stick hurdles in the way and make the race 10 metres longer!! Then they really start to take liberties with things like the 1500M, I mean, what sick bastard thought that one up?!? As for the steeplechase – don’t even get me started on the steeplechase,” at which point he was led away by police.

We Support Race Hate!

There's been a lot of reports in the press recently about the increase in race hate crime. We'd just like to say that although we don't condone crime, race hate is fine and should be encouraged.

Take the marathon, for example, 25 miles of running/wheezing/pissing and for what? What possible use is being able to run through a city for a couple of hours other than the ability to be smug and boast about said "achievement."

Anyway, join your local protests as I'm sure there will be some, stand up people, fight the good fight against THEM.

Tapes Are Terrorists!

Don't say we didn't warn you (see post from Wednesday, November 02, 2005) but the evil that is blank videotapes have taken another step towards complete evilismocity after reports that evil terrorists are leaving evil terrorist tapes in non-Evil mosques in Yorkshire.

So now, not only can little Johnny transfer his animal-based porn to these evil devices but he can also learn how to become a terrorist purely because of the existence of these (evil) blank videotapes!

Something must be done, we need to protect our children.

Faced with this startling new report, some bloke from TDK (well known exponent of evil blank media on many levels) what we confronted and put forward our allegations of eviliciousness to, spewed, "Huh?" I don't think we need to point out the ramifications of this admission.

To say we're disgusted is an understatement.

We're disgusted.

Lazy Bastards!!!

An increasing number of blogs have appeared on the internet over the past year or so, with people taking the time to let the world know about their lives, the lives of their favourite rock band, their opinion of the latest movies and other such nonsense. As annoyed as we are that these people seem to think that anyone is going to actually READ this pointless cack, it’s nowhere near as angry as we get when we find a site that stands out, that shows promise, only to find that after a week or so the ideas seem to have dried up and the people responsible either don’t bother anymore or, worse still, attempt to keep the thing alive with futile attempts at humour that Keith Harris and Orville would be ashamed of.

Spread of Evil Continues

During further investigations of the seeming resurgence of evil that was uncovered recently to have spread across the internet like a rampant C++ based cold-sore (see previous story “Porn Found on Internet!!!”), we were horrified to discover the availability of blank VHS video cassettes and the equipment (commonly known as a “VCR”) used to record all manner of sick filth onto said tapes. These tapes would appear to be readily available from a wide variety of retail outlets, and during our investigations we found that shopkeepers were more than happy to sell these blank tapes to children as young as 5 years old WITHOUT verifying their age OR inquiring as to the intended use of the tapes, before allowing the "innocent" child to make their purchase. We emplore our readers to keep an eye out for any retailer willing to push these tools of depravity upon the youth of today and do whatever you can to put a stop to this trade in evil. Be aware that there are several variations of cassette, such as the E120, E180 and the outrageous E240, which allows the recording of up to 8 HOURS of sickening animal-based porn to be recorded onto it for future use, proving that when it comes to evil the byword would appear to be quantity, not quality.

Porn Found on Internet!!!

It has been revealed to our good friend The Captain that EVIL people have started to use the INTERNET to exchange PORNOGRAPHIC MATERIAL. A Scotland Yard spokesman revealed that they were shocked and appalled when the discovery was made by one of their top detectives last night:
“During a routine search for pictures of puppies and recipes that use a butternut squash, one of our top men found a picture of a woman graphically exposing her naked ankle. Pursuing this, he turned up other pictures, and it was learned that the problem extends way beyond the calf.”
Extensive research has since been carried out and found that after just TEN HOURS of exposure to this material, the male member could became erect, signalling beyond a shadow of a doubt that evil was present.
Now here at OOS we remember the good old days of the internet, when people used it for good wholesome purposes like downloading the new Dire Straits album before it came out, or getting the latest movies to save us having to queue up at the cinema, but now these PREVERTS have PREVERTED it to serve their own PREVERTED needs.
And before we get people telling us that we’ve spelt that wrong, just so you know, we did it on purpose to stop any of these types of people finding our site when they do a google search for “that word”. Quite frankly it makes us sick to the very core to think that these people could be quite literally rubbing their private bits as they read the words that we typed with our clean fingers.

Cooking Method Stigma?

Being fond chefs here at OOS we were amazed to have our attention drawn to a form of segregation beginning to appear amongst the cooking community by a friend of ours (cheers Stryka). Signs such as this are springing up at more and more places across the world, farms seemingly the biggest culprit.
Quite why the hard working men and women of our farms would have a problem with this particular method of food preparation is, quite frankly, beyond us. Perhaps the bubbling of the boiling water has a tendency to spook the cattle, or maybe the vast amount of steam that is inevitably produced has been known to cause crops to wither and die. However neither of these seems to be a valid excuse to demonstrate such an open aversion to people who choose to cook their eggs and fish in this way.
Nevertheless, the message is clear, no matter how healthy poaching food may be, each and every one of us are left with dilemmas such as "I really fancy salmon tonight, but if I choose the healthier option of poaching rather than frying or grilling there's a chance I could be hunted down by some angry country dweller and shot in the face and / or spleen with his big farmers gun".
The pro-poaching brigade have taken a firm stance in the face of such hostility and even now poaching recipes are readily available from a variety of sources including books, magazines, newspapers and of course the internet. Jamie Oliver said "They'll have to catch me first", Ainsley Harriot gave us a resounding "B**locks to THAT!!" and Delia Smith almost went too far with her warcry of "They can shove that attitude of theirs right up their a***s", accompanied by a passionate two-fingered salute. Well at least that's what they might have said had we bothered to contact them, which we didn't. We just made that up.

Subliminal "Outing"?!?

HE'S A GAY - geddit?
Well no, at first neither did we. Until we realised that this vehicle was openly casting suspicions on the sexuality of everyone that it drove by on its way to deliver a consignment of suspicious orange coloured rubber mice to a secret location in Cornwall. Or something. We read it and immediately began to assess everybody around us. "Who's a gay?" we thought. Then we realised that perhaps it was the driver of said vehicle that was gay, and somehow the lorry itself was trying to let everyone know about it. Either way it's subliminal messaging and we don't like it - don't get us wrong we don't mind people being gay, as long as they don't rub it in our faces with big lorries, not that we have anything against big lorries, as long as they don't rub it in our faces with big gays... (pic supplied by Fox)

Time To Wake Up.

You know it's funny. Everywhere you go, everywhere you look you see things that just aren't right. Seriously. Pay a little more attention and you might just become as outraged with the state of the world today as we are. It's not as if we haven't given the world a chance but our patience just ran out. Quite frankly we've had enough. It's time to put a stop to this by uncovering the evidence wherever we may find it, and bring it to you, so that we may all carry on safe in the knowledge that WE know something that THEY don't - even though THEY might not know it themselves. Actually, the fact that THEY don't know is what makes the whole thing work, because if THEY knew then THEY would be one of US, and if THEY all knew then there wouldn't be any THEY at all, it'd just be US, but then again THEY might know but wouldn't tell US because THEY like to think that THEY know something that WE don't...

Hold on tight. The ride could get bumpy...