Outraged of Solihull

We Pick Jeff Hardy!!!*

2007-10-19T10:25:00.000+01:00

We're officially letting the world know that we pick Jeff Hardy! That's right he's ours, no matter what anyone tells you. Can someone tell Dan please, as I don't think he quite understands yet.

*This update is officially utter shit, and there's probably only about 8 people on the planet that will get it. I don't really care, it's not as though I get paid for this.

Still Waiting...

2007-10-18T13:53:00.000+01:00

WHY???

Straw "opposes all Ninja outfits"

2006-10-19T22:18:00.001+01:00

In a special report from our good friend The Captain, Cabinet Minister Jack Straw has said he would “prefer Ninjas not to wear veils at all”. The Commons leader said he did not want to be "prescriptive" but he believed that covering people's faces could make community relations more difficult.

Mr Straw has said he asks Ninjas at his Blackburn constituency surgeries if they would mind removing veils.

Some Ninjas called his remarks insulting, but others said they understood his concerns.

Ninjas: "Angry" with comments.
Mr Straw is Labour MP for Blackburn, where about 30% of residents are Ninjas. He sparked controversy when he told his local paper he asked ninjas visiting his surgery to uncover their faces - something they had all so far agreed to do.

Asked on BBC Radio 4's Today programme if he would rather the veils be discarded completely, Mr Straw replied: "Yes. It needs to be made clear I am not talking about being prescriptive but with all the caveats, yes, I would rather." Mr Straw explained the impact he thought veils could have in a society where watching facial expressions was important for contact between different people. "Communities are bound together partly by informal chance relations between strangers - people being able to acknowledge each other in the street or being able pass the time of day," he said. "That's made more difficult if people are wearing a veil. That's just a fact of life. "I understand the concerns but I hope, however, there can be a mature debate about this. "I come to this out of a profound commitment to equal rights for Ninja communities and an equal concern about adverse development about parallel communities."

Mr Straw, seen as a potential candidate for Labour's deputy leadership, stressed it was a choice for the ninjas and he was making a request and not a demand.

Downing Street said Mr Straw was expressing a private opinion. The prime minister said it was reasonable for people to express opinions.

Tony Blair shows his support.
Mr Straw's comments have provoked a mixed response from Ninja groups. The Ninja Human Rights Commission labelled the article "astonishing" and accused Mr Straw of discrimination. The Protect-Ninja organisation said the "appalling" comments showed "a deep lack of understanding". But Dr Lee Chung Soo, of the Ninja Council of Britain, said he could understand Mr Straw's discomfort adding that ninjas could choose to remove the veil.

But Conservative policy director Oliver Letwin said it would be "dangerous doctrine" to tell people how to dress. He said he did not want to "slip gradually" into a situation where we did not allow differences because they create separations. "If a person is making a statement about how they want to dress, I think it's pretty important we live in a country where you're allowed to do that," he said.

Britney Spears Pre-Fame Photo Outburst!!

2006-04-12T14:26:00.000+01:00

Britney Spears today defended the infamous ‘baby car’ photos that have plagued her career all the way from pop starlet to... erm...

Anyway the energetic Mrs. Federline, when contacted for comment by OOS was happy to give us a statement,

“I can wholeheartedly state that I am proud of these pictures, despite the fact that they were taken early in my career before I found my calling as the princess of pop. They were tastefully done and, in my opinion, could even be considered a form of art. At no point have I ever felt that there was any need to hide these photos from the public. If it’s real dirt you’re looking to dig up you should spend more time looking for pictures from my ‘snake charmer’ shoot”.

We think it’s great to see Britney not bowing down to media pressure and sticking to her guns. We'd like to offer you our complete support and backing. And no, not just because we hope some day you might come round to our house for tea and hope you'd need to use the little girls room, and then once you'd gone home we could sell our toilet seat on ebay for hundreds of grands and retire to spend the rest of our time not getting so narked off with work that we have to vent our frustrations writing meaningless tosh like this on the internet (as if anyone's actually reading any of this anyway).

Yep. That's right. Nothing to see here.

Reasons Why Women are Rubbish!! #267

2006-03-07T14:51:00.000Z

No matter how much we might want women to have complete and total equality in the world, the morality issue came up in conversation the other night. It went something like this...

Man 1 - "If a bloke walked up to me and called me a tosser I'd punch his lights out"
Man 2 - "Too right, that'd be out of order"
Woman - "What about if I called you a tosser?"
Man 1 - "I'd punch your lights out too"
Whole Room - "GASP!!"

Now if women want to be equals, treated the same as men, then why the sudden outrage that a bloke would punch a woman in the gob for spouting off in a pub? Perhaps it has something to do with this...

She lost a fight against some embryos? Now come on... It does specify plural, but surely even if there were 100 of them, she could have taken 'em quite comfortably?!? Seriously just look at the size of these fellas...
and you're telling me that this woman couldn't take a whole load of them on?
Seriously girls, know your limits. Stick to looking lovely and thinking of puppies and summer meadows and stuff, and leave the manly stuff to us men.

Sean Bean - why???

2006-03-03T15:50:00.000Z

Seriously... We want to know... Can anyone tell us??

Blu Monday

2006-02-28T16:01:00.000Z

People with more money than sense rejoice! Not content with having just spent a fortune on your SACD player and your HDTV it's now officially time to be fleeced yet again by the promise of even better quality pornography - that's right folks, it's the official unveiling of Blu-Ray.

Now before a bunch of backwater Americans get all excited about any kind of unveiling of a Blu-Ray nature, let us first clear up that we're NOT talking about this guy... although to be honest we kind-of wish that we were.

No, we're talking the latest high capacity storage device from Sony, which will soon be used to store all of the porn that you don't want your missus to find on the Hard Drive of your home PC. The launch sounds like it's going to be stellar too...

Eight Blu-Ray titles will launch on that date from Sony's two major film studios, Sony Pictures and MGM, namely 50 First Dates, The Fifth Element, Hitch, House of Flying Daggers, A Knight's Tale, The Last Waltz, Resident Evil Apocalypse and XXX.

Wow - just check out those launch titles. TWO of them starring Mila Jovovich. In one of them she's practically naked too. We're already getting excited.

A further set of titles will appear on June 13th - with Kung Fu Hustle, Legends of the Fall, Robocop, Stealth, Species, SWAT and Terminator joining the original launch titles on the shelves.

A few nice choices in there we have to admit, but Stealth??? Fucking STEALTH?!?! We honestly thought that it was a Wayans Brothers spoof movie when we saw it. Turns out someone was actually serious. Rumour has it that even Paul W.S. Anderson turned it down on the grounds that it was "too shit".

However, the initial choice available to consumers in terms of what to play their shiny new high definition movies on will be very limited - with only one player, Samsung's costly BD-P1000, set to ship for the May 23rd launch. Further players will appear from Sony and Pioneer shortly after launch.

So there you have it - a list of launch titles containing films that are shit, old, or very poor wank material, and a whopping choice of ONE player on which to play them, and Sony haven't even got their badge on it!

We'll still end up buying one though - they'll probably be shiny and everything. Bastards.

Blatant Sexism!!

2006-02-27T12:40:00.000Z

Woke up to this headline today - we can't believe that we're living in a world where this type of thing continues to happen on a regular basis...

Two things for women in this situation

1) maybe if you stopped all the whining about pay you'd get some work done, and therefore be worth paying the same amount as your hardworking male counterparts.

2) if you're going to convince people you're worth every penny that they pay you, it might be a good idea to turn the monitor on. You dumb bint.

Research Study Proposal #1: Which Letter of the Alphabet is Best?

2006-01-31T16:04:00.000Z

Today we’re proud to announce the first of (hopefully) many proposed research studies that we at OOS are willing to undertake, providing we receive enough sponsorship. Our project? To determine which letter of the alphabet is perceived to be the best by the general population of the planet Earth.

It must be noted that we are most certainly NOT looking to establish which letter of the alphabet is the people’s FAVOURITE. Oh no, there’d be no skill in that whatsoever. We want to know which letter is the BEST.

We have estimated that this extensive research should be possible on a budget of around £5million, and take in the region of 2-3 years. Please be aware that these figures are only estimates and could increase exponentially once the project is underway.

If you feel that you can make a contribution towards our costs then please write to us at outragedofsolihull@googlemail.com for further payment details.

Please give generously. We won’t be able to do this without your help.

People Get Paid For This Shit?!?!

2006-01-30T14:56:00.000Z

Today it has been revealed that a single gene determines the dryness of your earwax. Go on, stick a finger in your ear and take a look. Is it wet or is it dry? More to the point do you actually give a toss?

We certainly don't, and as our collective bloods began to boil at the fact that we actually WORK for a living, we remembered a number of other rather 'interesting' investigations that have been done by obvious spongers who can't be arsed to make any real effort to earn a living these days such as...

- the team that spent several years (not to mention hard cash) investigating why cornflakes went soggy when covered in milk

- a similar series of experiments to determine the best biscuit to dunk in your tea

- a recent survey to determine what percentage of people wanted to be surveyed.

Not to be deterred, the crack team of ear-investigators have told us that they can determine a persons race just by looking at their earwax. I can give you a better idea, just look at the fucking person whose ear you're getting the wax from and you'll probably get the same result, albeit a great deal faster.

According to the people carrying out this research, the earwax could play a significant part in identifying breast ailments in women. Of course it does. Picture the scene, "Well Ms. Brown I've had a quick poke in your ears and I'll be needing you to get your tits out now - no really, it says so here on the internet".

Perhaps we're looking at this from the wrong angle, perhaps we're jealous of the fact that a bunch of 70's throwbacks are being paid $millions per year to sit around all day doing fuck all, and coming up with this kind of preposterous bollocks on a semi-regular basis in order to keep the bailiffs from the door.

There's always the age-old saying "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" - so we'll be advertising our research services in the next few days. If you know of anyone that might be willing to invest a ridiculous amount of money into an inane and utterly pointless exercise, please direct them to this site and we'll see if we can come to an amicable agreement.

Gary Glitter: An Apology

2006-01-20T14:27:00.000Z

We would like to offer our sincere apologies to Gary Glitter for the review that was posted earlier this week in extreme bad taste. Since posting this article new information has come to light regarding Mr. Glitter, and therefore we must ensure that everyone is aware of how ashamed we are at what we did.

Paul Gadd (real name Gary Glitter) we are sorry.

Celebrating with friends.

Sorry that when reviewing your life as a sex offender that we outrageously failed to take into account the fact that you were EXPELLED from Cambodia in 2002.

Apparently Mr. Glitter used to “hang around” the orphanages of Cambodia, and would frequently sing to the children there. Having been questioned about this, the owner of one of the orphanages in question commented “I believed him to be a doctor”, raising questions such as what sort of doctor turns up to work with a guitar and sings “I love, you love, me love” to a large group of children all day. Cambodian ones, apparently.

In light of this new evidence we have no choice but to increase our previous score by one point.

REVISED SCORE – 9 out of 10

Got Rich, Wish He'd Died Tryin'

2006-01-18T10:28:00.000Z

The UK's media today displayed its ignorance of all things street by attributing quotes to talented rappist Fiddy Sen, known in some circles as 50 Percent, making him out to be some sort of penis.

Talent. Yesterday.
Allegedly speakin' about his new film "Get Rich Or Die Tryin'," Mr Sen was answering accusations about capturing a film that glorifies violence, "No way was it in my head to capture a film that glorifies violence." He then allegedly added that Jarhead, a film depicting the Gulf War, was "far more violent."

Now this is where we at OOS get suspicious. Why would someone with so much talent and obvious brain pick out a war film, which generally will include violence of some sort, as an example of how other film makers get away with it while an innocent ol' "gangsta" gets all the flack. Not least a war film renowned for including "not a lot of war" thus implying he has commented on a film WITHOUT EVEN SEEING IT!

Well, Mr UK's Media, we stand behind Fiddy as a bastion of intelligence and clever talented rap and publicly denounce the comments you have attributed to him. No amount of cynically doctored "raw footage" of him saying this will make us change our minds.

One Night In Paris: Directors Cut

2006-01-17T09:15:00.000Z

Today we bring you EXCLUSIVE details of extra scenes currently being added to the home-office wankfest “One Night In Paris” as part of its all-new “Directors Cut”. This footage adds an extra hour to the infamous hotel encounter, and show that Ms. Hilton and Mr. Solomon didn’t spend the entire night alone, and were in fact joined during the evening by Sonya from Eastenders and the ginger one from Girls Aloud.

Our top reporter tried to obtain official comment from anyone that had anything to do with making the movie but was unsuccessful in so much that he couldn’t be arsed to actually do any work and decided to spend the afternoon “beating” his “monkey”, whatever that means.

Sex Offender Review #2

2006-01-16T10:22:00.000Z

NAME – GARY GLITTER

Self-proclaimed “leader of the gang” and possessor of a name widely used as rhyming slang for anus, Glitter achieved worldwide superstardom for his music, while all the time fiddling with kids everywhere he went. Once the allegations of abuse went public he went into hiding under the incredibly effective disguise of TAKING OFF HIS WIG. After photos of him in full-on baldy mode were released in the tabloids he fled the country, with the intention of never being seen again. However, you can’t keep a good paedo down (unless you’re 11 years old), and he was soon up to his old tricks again in Vietnam. As he was hauled away to answer for his crimes he was heard to have cried out “…and I’d have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for meddling with those kids”. He managed to get the charges reduced from “child rape” to the far more acceptable “child molestation” and is currently awaiting his fate in a Vietnamese jail.

SCORE - 8 out of 10

Sex List Controversy

2006-01-13T11:30:00.000Z

As the flames of the Ruth Kelly scandal continue to lick around the ankles of paedophiles everywhere we thought that one person couldn’t top the hilarity from yesterday. How wrong we were, as she has gone on to better it herself, and within 24hours no less!

Upon seeing this article we became intrigued by the contents of this so-called “sex list” and decided we wanted to know more about it, what it is, and its contents. However rather than continuing to read the article we thought it would be much funnier to just make something up instead.

The Ruth Kelly Sex List 2005 turns out to be a complete list of every person that Ms. Kelly has enjoyed (or at least participated in) sexual relations with during that year. It is the final part of a trilogy which began in 2003, and rumours abound that upon completion of next years eagerly awaited Ruth Kelly Sex List 2006 will then release the Ruth Kelly Sex Legacy Box Set, although we have heard that she may possibly decide to pay homage to Douglas Adams by continuing to use the term “trilogy” to describe the series well into its 4th iteration and beyond.

The controversy over the sex list lies in its authenticity. Top names are predominant, with people such as Johnny Depp, Samuel L. Jackson, Leslie Grantham and Carol Vorderman all being named near to the top of the list (said to be sorted into “quality order”) – however ALL of the people appearing in the list refused to comment, with the exception of Johnny Depp who offered “you’re joking aren’t you? I wouldn’t even touch her with yours”.

Needless to say this has caused shockwaves throughout the political and literary world, putting the future of the series in jeopardy. Nobody knows from where the next twist in this saga will come, but we will be right there to make something up about it to keep you informed.

Sex Offender Review #1

2006-01-12T09:24:00.000Z

This morning we logged onto t'internet to read this on msn.com....

In all honesty we didn't realise things had gotten this bad. However we're eager to give the people what they want, and if that's reviews of these preverts then let's get started!!

NAME - MATTHEW KELLY
Matthew showed initial promise, allegations of abuse were rife and he became notorious in a relatively short space of time due to exposure in the press. However this soon fizzled out as he was exposed as a fraud - it was revealed that he hadn't actually abused anyone at all.
Score - 0 out of 10

Rhinoplasty Scam Revealed!!

2006-01-09T14:49:00.000Z

NOTE: we were originally going to call this article “Plastic Surgery Cowboys” but felt that with the release of Brokeback Mountain it may mislead people into thinking we were doing a piece on gays from backwards redneck towns in America with bizarre sex-toy fetishes. However to avoid any confusion we would like to clear up that we’ll be bringing that to you in the next month or so.

Today we uncover a scam involving plastic surgeons that are sending their patients back into the world having received NO SURGERY WHATSOEVER and a few thousand pounds worse off. Despite having received no treatment, these people are happy with the service and would willingly recommend their friends to the same surgeons. As evidence of this we present to you Jodie Marsh.

The other day we were looking at pictures of the lovely Ms. Marsh and noticed that above her fantastic boobies there was a head. Once the initial shock of this discovery had worn off we noticed her nose. Looks a bit, well, ‘wonky’ doesn’t it? We decided to investigate, and immediately discovered that not only does she support plastic surgery, but she has actually ALREADY HAD A NOSE JOB.

There is only one feasible explanation for this. Hypnotism. Plastic Surgeons around the world are employing these mysterious men to convince their patients that their nose / tits / cock is 150% better than it used to be, charging them thousands in the process and sending them back onto the streets. This dirty money is then split between the surgeon and his mesmer-lackey who are quids in. You don’t think Derren Brown can afford those snappy suits on just his TV salary alone, do you?!?

The other (rather far-fetched) option is that somehow her nose looked even more odd before the surgery. We have mocked up a few possibilities….

The Brussels Sprout

Third Ear

The Frankfurter

The Frank Butcher

Who the FUCK made Pete Doherty famous?!

2005-12-19T09:20:00.000Z

Fame. It's a strange beast. In modern times it seems that just about anyone can become a celebrity, although to make sure that "proper" ones are kept seperate from the wannabes we apparently are supposed to put them into "lists" to define just how good a celebrity is at, well, being a celebrity.

Sorting out all the celebrities in the world isn't an easy task, and wasn't taken lightly by whoever it was that was responsible for categorising all the famous people in the world. Oh no. Another part of the task must have been to filter out those people who are quite obviously famous, but the term "celebrity" just wasn't right. People such as the Queen and George W. Bush, and even historical figures like Isaac Newton had their celebrity status revoked to ensure the accuracy of the lists, from A to Z.

Inevitably though there are always going to be inaccuracies. You're always going to get fish slipping through the net. With this in mind, we present to you Pete Doherty.

Come on... Just look at him. We've been racking our brains for the last two months trying to work out exactly WHY this guy is considered a celebrity. Not a week goes by where there isn't a "PETE DOHERTY IN << insert random arsehole incident here >> SHOCKER!!" story in a newspaper, or being reported on the radio and television. But no matter what, we are still at a complete and utter loss as to exactly why we're supposed to give a shit.

Andy Warhol's "everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes" quote has never rang so true. Unfortunately for us, in Doherty's case that 15 minutes seems to have dragged on for way too long.

Games For Girls #1

2005-12-15T16:13:00.000Z

It's about time that a videogames publisher decided to bring out a game that will geniunely appeal to female gamers on a mass-market level...

Let's hope an eye-toy compatible version is just around the corner. With online play.

End the Exploitation of Women NOW!!!

2005-12-08T19:55:00.000Z

Looking around various TV channels at 3am (as we often do) we stumbled across a new kind of degrading activity that women all around the world are being forced to endure on a frighteningly regular basis. We were horrified to learn that women are being forced to perform in public for the entertainment of men (and other women) in something known as "Womens Athletics" - a depraved and sickening spectacle where the fairer sex perform such activities as "running" and "throwing", two things that we all know women are RUBBISH at.

Stadia around the world are frequently packed with the kind of sick bastards that enjoy this sort of thing, clapping and cheering the women on as they make utter fools of themselves for the whole world to see.

Don't get us wrong, we love ladies, women, heck even most of the ugly ones too, and whereas we would much rather see them doing activities that they are much more suited to, such as "cleaning", "cooking" or "lapdancing", if women must insist on flexing their competitive muscles every now and again then perhaps this is the sort of thing that might suit them a bit better...

Jack Thompson Says...

2005-11-22T14:35:00.000Z

"Bloody Hell!!!"

Microsoft Masterstroke

2005-11-18T14:36:00.000Z

Every couple of years the games industry enters a transitional phase when one generation of console is coming to the end of its life, while the next generation begins to emerge to the uncomfortable excitement of 30-somethings in glasses everywhere. Approaching such a transitional phase at the time of writing this we noticed something that Microsoft are doing different with the Xbox360 – they’re CHANGING THE DESIGN OF THE AV CONNECTOR!! We’re sure that we don’t need to tell you what genius this is. I mean, first off just look at the old one, it’s RUBBISH. The new design is so much nicer, and kind of looks like the background of the logo for a new, exciting sci-fi series that may even be good enough to be screened on the Hallmark channel. Starring Gil Gerard. Probably.
Secondly, Sony used the same old scummy leads to connect the PSOne and PS2, as did Nintendo with the Super Nintendo, N64 and Gamecube. This led to people having stinky old leads from years ago plugged into their TV set, whereas Microsoft have openly embraced the idea that people WANT to play the “where’s-my-scart-socket” game once again, and that they WANT to pay extra money for the privilege.
Microsoft should take pride in the fact that they are following in the footsteps of the great Sega, who pulled all kinds of shenanigans with their AV connectors over the years, and just look at the thriving slice of the hardware pie currently enjoyed at the office of the blue hedgehog. Microsoft, we salute you.

Race Hate Explosion

2005-11-14T12:02:00.000Z

Following up our story from the end of last week, prosecutions in the area of race hate have increased by 29% from last year, showing a distinct upturn in the numbers of people willing to risk it all to declare their disdain for the sort of events that have been the mainstay of athletics tournaments around the globe for many years.

Bertie Jiggs, a spokesman for PACRAP (Paedophiles Against Competitive Running And Politics) said “All we want is the freedom to express our disgust at the people that indulge in this sickness. Oh yes, it all starts off very innocently with your 100M sprints, but then they go and stick hurdles in the way and make the race 10 metres longer!! Then they really start to take liberties with things like the 1500M, I mean, what sick bastard thought that one up?!? As for the steeplechase – don’t even get me started on the steeplechase,” at which point he was led away by police.

We Support Race Hate!

2005-11-11T14:39:00.000Z

There's been a lot of reports in the press recently about the increase in race hate crime. We'd just like to say that although we don't condone crime, race hate is fine and should be encouraged.

Take the marathon, for example, 25 miles of running/wheezing/pissing and for what? What possible use is being able to run through a city for a couple of hours other than the ability to be smug and boast about said "achievement."

Anyway, join your local protests as I'm sure there will be some, stand up people, fight the good fight against THEM.

Tapes Are Terrorists!

2005-11-09T10:51:00.000Z

Don't say we didn't warn you (see post from Wednesday, November 02, 2005) but the evil that is blank videotapes have taken another step towards complete evilismocity after reports that evil terrorists are leaving evil terrorist tapes in non-Evil mosques in Yorkshire.

So now, not only can little Johnny transfer his animal-based porn to these evil devices but he can also learn how to become a terrorist purely because of the existence of these (evil) blank videotapes!

Something must be done, we need to protect our children.

Faced with this startling new report, some bloke from TDK (well known exponent of evil blank media on many levels) what we confronted and put forward our allegations of eviliciousness to, spewed, "Huh?" I don't think we need to point out the ramifications of this admission.

To say we're disgusted is an understatement.

We're disgusted.

Lazy Bastards!!!

2005-11-08T09:23:00.000Z

An increasing number of blogs have appeared on the internet over the past year or so, with people taking the time to let the world know about their lives, the lives of their favourite rock band, their opinion of the latest movies and other such nonsense. As annoyed as we are that these people seem to think that anyone is going to actually READ this pointless cack, it’s nowhere near as angry as we get when we find a site that stands out, that shows promise, only to find that after a week or so the ideas seem to have dried up and the people responsible either don’t bother anymore or, worse still, attempt to keep the thing alive with futile attempts at humour that Keith Harris and Orville would be ashamed of.

Spread of Evil Continues

2005-11-02T14:36:00.000Z

During further investigations of the seeming resurgence of evil that was uncovered recently to have spread across the internet like a rampant C++ based cold-sore (see previous story “Porn Found on Internet!!!”), we were horrified to discover the availability of blank VHS video cassettes and the equipment (commonly known as a “VCR”) used to record all manner of sick filth onto said tapes. These tapes would appear to be readily available from a wide variety of retail outlets, and during our investigations we found that shopkeepers were more than happy to sell these blank tapes to children as young as 5 years old WITHOUT verifying their age OR inquiring as to the intended use of the tapes, before allowing the "innocent" child to make their purchase. We emplore our readers to keep an eye out for any retailer willing to push these tools of depravity upon the youth of today and do whatever you can to put a stop to this trade in evil. Be aware that there are several variations of cassette, such as the E120, E180 and the outrageous E240, which allows the recording of up to 8 HOURS of sickening animal-based porn to be recorded onto it for future use, proving that when it comes to evil the byword would appear to be quantity, not quality.

Porn Found on Internet!!!

2005-10-31T14:28:00.000Z

It has been revealed to our good friend The Captain that EVIL people have started to use the INTERNET to exchange PORNOGRAPHIC MATERIAL. A Scotland Yard spokesman revealed that they were shocked and appalled when the discovery was made by one of their top detectives last night:
“During a routine search for pictures of puppies and recipes that use a butternut squash, one of our top men found a picture of a woman graphically exposing her naked ankle. Pursuing this, he turned up other pictures, and it was learned that the problem extends way beyond the calf.”
Extensive research has since been carried out and found that after just TEN HOURS of exposure to this material, the male member could became erect, signalling beyond a shadow of a doubt that evil was present.
Now here at OOS we remember the good old days of the internet, when people used it for good wholesome purposes like downloading the new Dire Straits album before it came out, or getting the latest movies to save us having to queue up at the cinema, but now these PREVERTS have PREVERTED it to serve their own PREVERTED needs.
And before we get people telling us that we’ve spelt that wrong, just so you know, we did it on purpose to stop any of these types of people finding our site when they do a google search for “that word”. Quite frankly it makes us sick to the very core to think that these people could be quite literally rubbing their private bits as they read the words that we typed with our clean fingers.

Cooking Method Stigma?

2005-10-27T20:41:00.000+01:00

Being fond chefs here at OOS we were amazed to have our attention drawn to a form of segregation beginning to appear amongst the cooking community by a friend of ours (cheers Stryka). Signs such as this are springing up at more and more places across the world, farms seemingly the biggest culprit.
Quite why the hard working men and women of our farms would have a problem with this particular method of food preparation is, quite frankly, beyond us. Perhaps the bubbling of the boiling water has a tendency to spook the cattle, or maybe the vast amount of steam that is inevitably produced has been known to cause crops to wither and die. However neither of these seems to be a valid excuse to demonstrate such an open aversion to people who choose to cook their eggs and fish in this way.
Nevertheless, the message is clear, no matter how healthy poaching food may be, each and every one of us are left with dilemmas such as "I really fancy salmon tonight, but if I choose the healthier option of poaching rather than frying or grilling there's a chance I could be hunted down by some angry country dweller and shot in the face and / or spleen with his big farmers gun".
The pro-poaching brigade have taken a firm stance in the face of such hostility and even now poaching recipes are readily available from a variety of sources including books, magazines, newspapers and of course the internet. Jamie Oliver said "They'll have to catch me first", Ainsley Harriot gave us a resounding "B**locks to THAT!!" and Delia Smith almost went too far with her warcry of "They can shove that attitude of theirs right up their a***s", accompanied by a passionate two-fingered salute. Well at least that's what they might have said had we bothered to contact them, which we didn't. We just made that up.

Subliminal "Outing"?!?

2005-10-26T23:22:00.000+01:00

HE'S A GAY - geddit?
Well no, at first neither did we. Until we realised that this vehicle was openly casting suspicions on the sexuality of everyone that it drove by on its way to deliver a consignment of suspicious orange coloured rubber mice to a secret location in Cornwall. Or something. We read it and immediately began to assess everybody around us. "Who's a gay?" we thought. Then we realised that perhaps it was the driver of said vehicle that was gay, and somehow the lorry itself was trying to let everyone know about it. Either way it's subliminal messaging and we don't like it - don't get us wrong we don't mind people being gay, as long as they don't rub it in our faces with big lorries, not that we have anything against big lorries, as long as they don't rub it in our faces with big gays... (pic supplied by Fox)

Time To Wake Up.

2005-10-26T21:29:00.000+01:00

You know it's funny. Everywhere you go, everywhere you look you see things that just aren't right. Seriously. Pay a little more attention and you might just become as outraged with the state of the world today as we are. It's not as if we haven't given the world a chance but our patience just ran out. Quite frankly we've had enough. It's time to put a stop to this by uncovering the evidence wherever we may find it, and bring it to you, so that we may all carry on safe in the knowledge that WE know something that THEY don't - even though THEY might not know it themselves. Actually, the fact that THEY don't know is what makes the whole thing work, because if THEY knew then THEY would be one of US, and if THEY all knew then there wouldn't be any THEY at all, it'd just be US, but then again THEY might know but wouldn't tell US because THEY like to think that THEY know something that WE don't...

Hold on tight. The ride could get bumpy...